Sucks to be Philly

Hell yeahh B's.  I'm on the road and have been busy, apologies for the lack of posts.  Go Celts!

Playoffs baby

Welcome to the party Blazers.  Dangerous Dan Dawson's bringing the
Champion's Cup to Boston.  

  

AMERICA....FUCK YEAHHH

Tammy Horton is a smokeshow!!!!!!!   HABS SUCK, go back to America's hat.


NSFW pics after the jump

Nut up or Shut up

Game 7: Fairies on Ice vs the Bruins.  It'll all be decided tonight at the Garden.  History will be made.  No more Canadian officials bullshit.  Were back in the U-S-of-A.  Chris Kelly and his full cage swag will lead the B's to victory over No-Skill Gill's frenchies.

Should this Ke$ha shirt be the uniforms for my summer baseball team?

Yea the $24.95 price tag for this bad boy is pretty steep.  But it's not about the money.  It's letting all the other teams know that were drunk, fucked in the head, and we like to parrty. (with two R's).


When the other team sees us rocking these official Ke$ha Get Sleazy Tour uni's they know that their fucked.  We may not be the most skilled team (just like Ke$ha is not the most attractive mouth and tits) but we fuck shit up, and we don't care about what other people think.


I'm going to say this now, yes it's a little premature, but Summer ball+Ke$ha= guaranteed pussy.  I'm not sure how it's going to happen, but it will. 

Late Night Jam of the Day

This one goes out to Varsity Drew and William C Burke IV (Varsity Hockey MVP 2010-2011).

Good Bye Hermione...wait that's not her

                                                     What's wrong with this picture?
Boston.com
"Harry Potter" star Emma Watson is transferring out of Brown University. Her spokeswoman Vanessa Davies said the actress had a great experience at Brown but that she’s interested in taking courses that are not offered at the school. Though Davies did not say where Watson planned to enroll, the Daily News said she’s been seen looking at NYU.


When I first read the headline that Emma Watson was leaving New England, I thought it was a major disappointment for us all.  But then I saw the recent picture of her, and I think it should be a celebrated event.  Note to Women of the World:  No short hair....ever.  There is only one person that can pull it off, Halle Berry.  Look in the mirror.  If your not Halle Berry, keep your hair long.  


Emma Watson was attractive.  Now that she looks like a 12 year old girl/middle-aged lesbian.  Good bye Emma Watson.  You once rocked my dreams, but now you only haunt them.

Will the U become THE U again?

1.  Great fucking speech, those players were eating it all up, heck I was ready to go after hearing that.
2.  What's up with the non-lineman white guy?  That is likely the reason why Miami has struggled recently.
3.  If Miami wants to be  big deal, why are they playing at soem high-school stadium for their spring game?  Ohio State Fuckeyes were in the Horseshoe and was televised, Michigan was in the Big House, even Boston College got to play in Alumni Stadium.  But THE U had to bus its guys over to some local high school stadium?  (which by the way was bigger than most College stadiums in the Northeast.  In my second life, I want to be a high school football player in the South.  Just killing it with Friday Night Lights, smokeshow cheerleaders, and random people shouting my name when I walk around town.)
4. Al Golden is a horrible coach.  I apologize to he and his family, but he will not lead THE U back to the promise land.  He just a fuckin tape recorder with a head set on. 
5.  Miami Football players still cannot read or write or speak.  This is actually a good sign, I think there headed int he right direction on the football field then.  THE U is not about academics and books, it's about being fucking awesome at football and shoving it in everyones face.  If the players could read and write they might actually go to class and then they would lose their focus on football.  
6. They need a QB.  All the highlights were INTs.  You ain't going to win throwing pics all day, just ask Peyton Manning about that.
7. Boston College will beat Miami again this year, Nov. 26.  Mark your calendars, you heard it here.


I think the answer is No, the U is no longer THE U.

Late Night Jam of the Day

Cream-my-pants late night jam.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

When your driving on the highway, long trip, so you’re a little on edge because your butt starts to hurt after sitting so long, and you pull off at one of the rest stops to grab some McDonald’s.  Maybe there is a Papa Gino’s in the building too, but you have no choice but eat at the Golden Arches.  Nothing says /smells road trip like a double ¼ pounder with cheese, large fries, and apple pie. 

When you walk in, it’s all business, order your food (using the numbers of course)…Ill have a number 3, super size, with a double shake, swirl it, and a fresh Johnny Appleseed, better make that for the road, with a some hankies on top.   Sound as serious and important as possible.  The good employees at McDonald’s (oxymoron?) will get it, and if they mess your order up, which they obviously will, and give you a baked potato or even worse a salad, then you can complain and get your money back.  It’s a win-win. 

Anyways, the part about these pit stops that really grinds my gears is when your waiting in line, just itching for your burger, and there is a manatee that can’t decide if she/he wants a two or three orders of McNuggets.  Finally, after making the life-altering choice of ordering a large Oreo McFlurry, she/he adds, in a proud tone, “oh and a diet coke. “ WOAH!!  Diet coke?  Are you sure, that might just be a little too healthy for you.  1. You don’t tell the people at McDonald’s what drink you want, you just say, small/medium/large.  You fill it up yourself.  There is no need to announce your monumental choice.  2.  Is a Diet Soda really going to make a difference?  I don’t think those cankles are going to magically disappear now that you wash down a couple of greasy Big Macs with a Diet Coke.  Don’t lie to yourself, your not being healthy either way.  3.  Stop acting like you’re so damn important and courageous for ordering a diet drink.  EVERYONE knows you really want a cherry-coke. 4.  Stop taking forever to choose which McDonald’s item is going to be your explanation to your doctor for why you need a triple-by-pass surgery.  If it’s easier, just say I’ll take 1…of everything.  Then, the rest of the world could get our own food and get out of there.

That’s what grinds my gears.

Knicks who?

Epic 'stache, best thing New York has ever produced.  First time the Big Three has swept a playoff series.  Bring on the Heat.  Sucks to be a New Yorker today...like usual.  


Since the Heat couldn't finish off the pitiful 76ers, Celtics get a few days off.  Time to focus on the B's pounding the Habs.


P.S. The Canadiens are a bunch of pussies

Late Night Jam of the Day

In honor of the Red Sox figuring out that it's not spring training anymore, and these games actually count.  How much money do they get paid to sit in the dug out and chew seeds?

Comeback Story of the Decade!!!

Nytimes.com

TOOTHPASTE? Check. Tampons? Check. Vibrator? Check!

For years, vibrators were bought quietly in sex shops, and later online, arriving in discreet unmarked packages. They were rarely discussed, other than perhaps during a late-night girl-talk session fueled by many glasses of pinot grigio. But now you can find them advertised on MTV and boldly displayed at Duane Reade, Walgreens and other mainstream drugstores, mere steps from the Bengay and Dr. Scholl’s.....http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/21/fashion/21VIBRATORS.html (click for story)

Vibrators!!!  So apparently vibrators are crowding the shelves of walgreens and CVS pharmacy's, and they're flying off the shelves.  I'm not quite sure what to think about this.  On one hand, hey great job, women are taking "ownership of their sexuality"!!!!! (wait is that a good thing?)  Is the skyrocketing of vibrator stock a reflection of poor male performance over the past ten years, or are women trending towards homosexuality, and now have no use for the men?

I think this troubling trend could stem from the emergence of male feminists.  The encouragement of sexual individuality from the opposite gender has caused women to believe that a piece of plastic made in china with a battery powered by 2 AA batteries equals success.  No...false..wrong.  This is what's wrong with our society.  We are turning to material objects to provide us happiness.  

What happened to the days when a woman was happy from baking fresh pies and cleaning?  Happiness can be found from the feeling of achievement (it's scientifically proven), and last time I checked its a worthy achievement when one see's the look of a man's satisfied face after polishing off a warm pie.

Anyways, does this mean that pocketpussies are soon to be available at pharmacies?  And the guy in the article made a vibrator that was a mold of his own pecker....I'm not sure if that's romantic or creepy (Im thinking creepy).

Introducing 3pete...Pistol...Peter the Great

                                                               Yea, he sunk the shot
Im at a loss of words today, my vocabulary just cannot do anyone justice.  3pete goes big or goes home. Living in Philly, he's surrounded by the enemy, but he ain't scared to let them know that they're pussies,  and the B's will take them, anytime, anywhere, anyhow (we're worried about history today).  


3pete...hmm that's an interesting name, I wonder how he got it?  Rumor has it he killed 3 mountain lions with only a rock and his bare hands. 


Any way you slice it, 3pete's a dangerous man.  Ladies, you'd be lucky to have this ringer by your side, but he usually has a pack of companions.

                                              Gator's bitches better be using jimmies! 

My life as a animated character...

This one is easy: Archer.  In case you haven't seen Archer, remove yourself from the spiderhole you have been living in all year, sign out of facebook for a few minutes (it's okay, it'll still be there when you get back), and get the Archer DVD or Online Episode or on TV (does anyone still watch shows on TV?).


It's a combination of spy-guns-girls with a few lacrosse and prep school jokes squeezed in.  Anything I write here cannot do it justice, I'm just not a very good salesman for TV shows....or anything.  I will say, that if I could be one fictional character, it'd be Archer.  I think you'll agree with me.


Here's a Top 5 from Archer, check it out

Late Night Jam of the Day

Put this one on repeat, and just go with it.  
Nice call #17, coming up big with this one.

Winners!

One game closer to the Cup.  Truffle Shuffle everybody!

RANGERS LOSE!

Luckiest goal in the playoffs, talk about being in the right place at the right time.  Bizarre finish to cap a great comeback, down 0-3 going into the 3rd, and winning it in 2OT.  It was a back-breaking play.  Series is over, Capitals will finish it off back in D.C.  But thanks for playing New York, not everyone can hang with the big boys up in children's lingerie.    

What's wrong with this picture?

1. The reverse party shades.  OK, we get it, you like to party.  Same with about the other 2 million people in college.
2.WildnWild shirt.  Nothing like a water park thats filled with random people's piss.  Grow up man, your not 6 anymore.
3. Tank Top.  First, I'm all for the the right tank, say #17 here, killing it.

But if your going to rock the tank, make it look good.  It's a statement, and dont wear if you can't fill it out.   
4. That thing lying on his concave chest.  Get it together, there's something to be said for the diverse poon portfolio, but there's a time to reign it in as well.

TheRealValenti strikes again

TheRealValenti Kevin Valenti 

One slot is filled @justsheenit applications are flowing in. apply now#wedonthaveherpies

 Favorite Retweet Reply

TheRealValenti Kevin Valenti 

Taking applications for threesoms tonight

 

TheRealValenti Kevin Valenti 

If there is anything above amazing that's how good I look

TheRealValenti Kevin Valenti 

I nailed my test today meaning time to rage. I allready accpted I'm going to regret tonight tomorrow

Yes, pure twitter gold.  The Real Valenti is running away with the Tweetstar awards.  I think he might get his own column soon.  The progression of his thoughts is priceless.  Rage to ridiculously good-looking to threesome.  Sounds good to me

Become a tweetstar, follow tliv39, and look for your tweets on The Sermon  

Late Night Jam of the Day

A fan favorite chiller, this one never seems to get old.

Looks like Russell might leave a mark

Ever since Katy Perry sang "Ur so gay" directly to #17 at Agganis Arena a few years ago, I've been a big fan.  I can't blame Russell for this pic.  

GreenMan belongs to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, not Canada

Good try guys, I like the creativity, but not everyone can just put on a Green Man suit.  Green Man belongs in Philly, and even though the worlds hates Philadelphia fans, and the Flyers, it just doesn't feel right that these guys aren't in the Wachovia Center.  This brings us to the best thing that came out of philly, besides the cheesesteak, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  A must watch show, its on FX I think, but you can just watch it online like 99% of the world.

P.S. I think I'm going to lose the 4 Canadian viewers that The Sermon has had with this post

WARNING, DO NOT BRING AK-47 LOOK A LIKE UMBRELLAS TO MALLS. No wait, its just a plain, black umbrella.

                                                   Are we really that dumb?
boston.com
BURLINGTON — In retrospect, the young man probably wishes he had just worn his rain jacket. As it was, he set out against the weather with an umbrella, a choice that in another time probably would have passed without consequence.  But in the age of the orange alert, when airport public announcement systems and news reports sound a thrum of warnings about dangers in our midst, the umbrella protruding from his backpack during a visit to the Burlington Mall yesterday looked, to some people, like a gun.  After two employees reported a man with what seemed to be a short rifle ducking into a Nordstrom restroom, some 40 police descended on the scene, ushered out alarmed customers, and blockaded the mall as shopkeepers locked themselves into their stores and traffic on the roadways outside piled up in all directions.  With helicopters whirring overhead and SWAT teams securing the premises, the umbrella-toting man, oblivious that the furor had anything to do with him, returned to his job at Lahey Clinic nearby....Minutes later, a phalanx of SWAT team members in shields and body armor marched through the mall....The scare began just before 10 a.m., when mall security alerted police that two employees had seen a man with a backpack and a short rifle walk into the building and go into the bathroom.  About 40 officers raced to the scene, blocking off the parking lot and evacuating shoppers as worried workers locked themselves into stores.   Kent said the response was appropriate, given the reports, and added that some officers had been training at Burlington High School for the threat of mass shootings when the reports came in...State Police spokesman David Procopio said that the umbrella looked like a rifle when it was protruding from the man’s backpack and that the mistake was “easy to make.’’

This is today's sign that our society is completely fucked.  Forget the obesity crisis, forget our governments inability to do anything productive, forget that truth that the quickest way to get famous is make a sex tape and then deny wanting people to see it (ex. Erin Andrews...Paris Hilton...Kim Kardashian).  The geniuses at the Burlington Mall called in the SWAT team, Drug Dogs, and Helicopters because they thought they saw a guy with a gun sticking out of his backpack, but it was actually an umbrella.  Wait what?  


1.  What psycho would put his gun in his backpack, with half the barrel showing?   No one would.  Trench coats were made for a reason.  It does not make any sense.  Would I put, say my umbrella that I use because its raining outside in my backpack....hmm yes, I think I would.
2.  Is it too difficult for say one of the hundreds of employees/Paul Blart Mall Cops to simply ask the guy whats in his backpack before calling in the National Guard?  People need to start using common sense...just ask the guy, BAM, problem solved.
3.  This story was on the Front Page of The Boston Globe.  The Globe is good for one thing, and one thing only, the Sports Section.  But have some self-respect Globe.  This is your #1 story??  There is a reason the Globe almost went out of business.  It's a complete joke...minus the sports section.  
4.  Yes, I will blast this song whenever I am close to the Burlington Mall from now on.  

Offense Gets You Laid, Defense Wins Championships: The Road to 18

KG brought it at both ends of the court to seal the deal.  The Big Ticket wouldn't be denied.  Friday Night Lights at MSG coming up.   Give that man a Tommy Point!

Late Night Jam of the Day

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Guess that Continent?

Answer: Africa (this one wasn't hard.. I hope).  Specifically Nigeria.  They rioted in Lagos yesterday, the largest city in Nigeria, following the election results.  The angry Nigerians believed that the election was rigged, following the re-election of President Goodluck Jonathan.  (Is that his real name??)  


News like this make me feel thankful that our election system works and does not create conflict.  Hmm...what about Bush v Gore?  Scratch that. Our election system sort of works...some of the time..maybe, and I am happy that the results do not cause riots in the streets and brutal violence.  Instead we wait for sporting events to riot.  Cops had to ruin the fun.  


The issues in Africa and Nigeria today are serious and unfortunate.  More info here about Nigeria from respected news sources: CNN and The New York Times. 

Tuesday Night TV

Carl Crawford.  The highest paid outfielder ever (7 yr/$142 million).  ESPN has segment tonight on the Red Sox's newest "big acquisition" and his rise to fame from nothing.  While Crawford has not had an ideal start to his Red Sox career, there is no arguing with his success over the past decade.  This guy is a remarkable athlete.  Recruited to play football (Nebraska), basketball (UCLA), and baseball, he was drafted by the Tampa Bay Rays out of high school. Crawford is a natural talent.  Get to know the newest Sox player tonight.  

ESPN, 7 PM, E-60

Preview below

  

Spring Essential: The Meaty Calves

I am not one to preach on this issue.  I am the first to admit that I was born calf-less.  There just not there.  I am confident that the reason I'm not a Division One athlete is my lack of calves.    Forget 90% of Lax is in the Flow.  Yes flow is needed, but 60% is in the calves, 15% is in the forearms, and the rest is a combination of tilt, swag, and your warm-up jams.


Anyways, now that it's warming up outside, and summer seems just around the corner, its time to pump your calfs to the max.  When you see a bro sporting a couple of beefy pistons its impressive.  It''s okay to show 'em off, you should.  Flaunt them if you got them. 

                               Nothing is good about this pic                        Solid Definition
When you hit the gym, make the calves a staple of your workout.  Hit the chest, bi's, tri's, and calves.  The traditional calf-raise is an easy go-to, but if your feeling like you got a little extra left in the tank, expand your repertoire with the partner calf press.  

Stay focused on the prize, and sport the shorts and mid-calves with swagger this year.  

Making out with Animals: Ke$ha vs Mike Tyson

Tough match up here.  Both are celebrities clearly off the wall.  I gotta go with Ke$ha here as the strangest of them all.  More to come on her.  But seriously, Mike Tyson is a vegan now?   I guess he got tired of meat, surprising for a guy who likes to bite people's ears off.

Late Night Jam of the Day

Hard to go wrong with old-school Blink.  Turn up the speakers, this one will bring you back to the good 'ole days.